Saying goodbye

So...

I had a very difficult experience this week...one that I've never had before. But what doesn't kill you only makes you stronger, right?! I suppose. No, actually, I really do agree with that saying.

For a year or so now I have truly been considering my dog's age and health and wondering when you know it's the right time for euthanasia. I didn't really know if her pottying problems were her Cushing's or her getting back at me for being gone long days, or what. I talked to a few people (who run Rescues around the midwest) and they all pretty much said it is her age starting to show. No, they didn't tell me "It's her age, put her down!" but it's nice to get some advice, and not from a vet who may or may not be trying to keep your dog alive just to pump it full of meds and tests to make $. So, after a few bad nights I just realized no dog is choosing to lay in their cage, in urine, with a #2 in their water bowl. So I spoke to the vet, and I decided it was time.

Let me just say, as a mom to Tana (my 12 year old French Bulldog), I had some rough ROUGH times in the past few years, but nothing nearly as rough as choosing to do the responsible "mom" thing and stay with her for part of her euthanasia. When I arrived, I felt strong and told the vet I wanted to stay. She began to explain the process and I broke down. I decided to stay for just the sedation, not the actual euthanasia. Bad choice. HORRIBLE choice. I sat in a small room with my dog who was a zombie and couldn't even breathe because she was so sedated, so I had to prop her mouth open with my hand. She couldn't move and she couldn't breathe and I bawled and bawled! Awful! I hate that I chose to stay and see her like that, BUT, it shouldn't have been easy for me since I made the decision. It shouldn't be easy because more people would do it way too often. I felt I owed it to my doggie, Tana, to stay with her so she felt loved and safe.

I bawled for a while and had to carry out the leash with no dog attached to it....on to a busy street corner where cars were at the light as I crossed and I probably made them sad just by them seeing me bawling and walking with a dog-less leash! Sorry to anyone who saw me! That's exactly why I didn't want a friend to go with me...I didn't want to make anyone else sad because of my situation. I wanted to be alone. So I was. It was sad to come home that night and see her cage and bed and dishes. I still wake up each morning and think "I better get on some shoes to take out Tana." It'll take time but I know she wasn't happy.

If you want to remember you dog in the happiest way, don't stay for sedation if you ever have to (unfortunately) euthanize your dog! :(